Crit: An opening... (take 2)
Nov. 5th, 2007 08:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
khiemtranOkay, so now this will be the acid test... This is the same passage re-written in a more typical voice and style for me. (Don't worry, I've only included the first 500 words this time.)
I'd be very interested to hear if people think it works better or worse than the last example, and why.
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Peter shivered as he walked down the street. A cold wind was blowing down through the city, bringing with it a familiar smell. A wind like this would bring the Apparitions into city, as it did almost every night these days. Each month they seemed to come deeper and deeper.
Four years, thought Peter. Four years in the Blue City. He hugged his arms around his torso as he walked, the icy wind cutting through his tattered student's gown. Four years was all it had taken.
In the distance, he could hear the dull clang of warning bells. A pair of women, huddling in a doorway, looked around in alarm. Newcomers, he decided. A week, a month at the most. It didn't take too many nights to get used to that sound.
A pair of drunks staggered past him, swaying against each other as they walked. Ah, that's more like it, he thought. At least one winter. One of the drunks raised a bottle to him in invitation, but Peter shock his head. There wasn't even any point in that, anymore.
He wondered idly how long the pair would last. Would they make it through to Spring? Even with a student Broker's eye, he could see their souls were almost fully dark already. Not a chance. He remembered how horrified he'd been when he first came to the city. Now, the sight of their dim souls scared him for a different reason.
All for nothing, he thought. If only...
An expensive coach clattered past at speed, windows glowing with magical blue light, scattering both the drunks and Peter's thoughts.
Yes, run home, you rich bastards!
He thought for a moment of his own tiny freezing room, and knew there was no point going back. The drunks threw curses from the cobblestones.
A woman's shriek brought him back to the present. The street was now filled with running people. An Apparition floated over the rooftops. A giant glowing jellyfish, its tentacles dangling. There was an iron grip on his arm and an old woman was shouting into his face.
"You! Broker! Save my daughter! In the name of the Farmer!"
A small human figure was lying face down in the street below the Apparition's tentacles.
"Help us, damn you! My soul is half-bright!"
It was a lie. Peter knew it was a lie. Her soul was quarter-bright at the most.
"A curse upon you! Are you a Broker or not? My soul is bright! Save my daughter!"
The girl looks about twelve. She could not possibly be the old woman's daughter.
"You're wasting your soul, granny! He's not a real broker."
---------
Thank you all for your help, it is much appreciated.
I'd be very interested to hear if people think it works better or worse than the last example, and why.
------
Peter shivered as he walked down the street. A cold wind was blowing down through the city, bringing with it a familiar smell. A wind like this would bring the Apparitions into city, as it did almost every night these days. Each month they seemed to come deeper and deeper.
Four years, thought Peter. Four years in the Blue City. He hugged his arms around his torso as he walked, the icy wind cutting through his tattered student's gown. Four years was all it had taken.
In the distance, he could hear the dull clang of warning bells. A pair of women, huddling in a doorway, looked around in alarm. Newcomers, he decided. A week, a month at the most. It didn't take too many nights to get used to that sound.
A pair of drunks staggered past him, swaying against each other as they walked. Ah, that's more like it, he thought. At least one winter. One of the drunks raised a bottle to him in invitation, but Peter shock his head. There wasn't even any point in that, anymore.
He wondered idly how long the pair would last. Would they make it through to Spring? Even with a student Broker's eye, he could see their souls were almost fully dark already. Not a chance. He remembered how horrified he'd been when he first came to the city. Now, the sight of their dim souls scared him for a different reason.
All for nothing, he thought. If only...
An expensive coach clattered past at speed, windows glowing with magical blue light, scattering both the drunks and Peter's thoughts.
Yes, run home, you rich bastards!
He thought for a moment of his own tiny freezing room, and knew there was no point going back. The drunks threw curses from the cobblestones.
A woman's shriek brought him back to the present. The street was now filled with running people. An Apparition floated over the rooftops. A giant glowing jellyfish, its tentacles dangling. There was an iron grip on his arm and an old woman was shouting into his face.
"You! Broker! Save my daughter! In the name of the Farmer!"
A small human figure was lying face down in the street below the Apparition's tentacles.
"Help us, damn you! My soul is half-bright!"
It was a lie. Peter knew it was a lie. Her soul was quarter-bright at the most.
"A curse upon you! Are you a Broker or not? My soul is bright! Save my daughter!"
The girl looks about twelve. She could not possibly be the old woman's daughter.
"You're wasting your soul, granny! He's not a real broker."
---------
Thank you all for your help, it is much appreciated.
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no subject
Date: 2007-11-05 02:12 pm (UTC)I found the other version more evocative. I was *very* disturbed by the idea of souls as "currency" and/or fuel for magic. I don't know if I could have read a whole novel based on that premise -- but that's me finding that disturbing, not a criticism of the story.
I also thought while I was reading it that it would work as a short story. It would need some stronger resolution, of course, but not necessarily more length.
FWIW :-)
no subject
Date: 2007-11-07 06:32 am (UTC)I think I might be able to do a better job with the first voice on the next go around.
no subject
Date: 2007-11-05 03:55 pm (UTC)Also, Peter feels more in the scene in this version for me. You might want to work in some more details of the universe from that version (I'd have to print them out to do a fair comparison to see if anything really is missing or it's just a perception thing), but this grabbed me and pulled me in better.
I'll read almost anything (except traditional romances, perhaps), but I do like the prose to pull me in. Short, declarative sentences can work if the words are sufficiently evocative or there is enough variation to not make the prose feel static. Perhaps that's what bugged me about the other version. It was more a recitation of what was to happen and not what was happening.
Does that make any sense? ;)
no subject
Date: 2007-11-07 06:27 am (UTC)Thanks! If it's just the flow, then it's something that will get better with practice. I still haven't quite got a handle on the new voice yet, but I can write in the style used in the second example with my eyes closed. I know how to pace it and how to link the sentences together.
You might want to work in some more details of the universe from that version (I'd have to print them out to do a fair comparison to see if anything really is missing or it's just a perception thing), but this grabbed me and pulled me in better.
Actually, there's quite a lot missing in the second version. The trick is that the second version is in a very tight, filtered third. For me to mention something, Peter has to think it. I can introduce topics by having external events stimulate them (the dimness of the drunk's souls, for example, could have been the spur for Peter to think about the state of his own soul) or by having one lead into another. This naturally leads to some restrictions on the amount of background I can convey in a given time.
The advantage of the voice in the first version is that I can give information whenever I feel the reader needs to know it. It's a heck of a lot faster at getting the background across, but the trade-off is it's a lot less elegant in the telling, and, as you've seen, it can be distancing if not done well.
no subject
Date: 2007-11-05 10:57 pm (UTC)Stick with the first version, especially if it's not your 'normal' voice/style. It's stretching you and you'll learn from it. Oh yeah, and I like it a lot more. :)
no subject
Date: 2007-11-07 06:28 am (UTC)