An (old) opening...
Apr. 30th, 2007 11:51 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
khiemtranThis is the original opening from The Silver Bowl. It's frustrating, because it's still the version I default back to, when I think of the mood of the original story, despite its various flaws. I know I can write a lot better than this, but for some reason, this is the version that always comes back.
The lands of Charipan and Kor are gone now. There is nothing left.
When Dalmin was a child, the land of Kor stretched across a mountain valley two miles long and half a mile wide. When he was very young, the valley was his whole world, an enormous realm in which to roam. Surrounded on all sides by steep hills, it seemed to stretch as far as anyone could want to travel, especially one so small, whose legs were easily tired by the slopes.
Gradually, though, the world outside began to make itself known. At first, it was a place in stories.
“Once, Long ago, Outside the Valley…” they would begin, first in his mother’s voice, and then, later, in his Aunt’s. It was a made-up place where strangers and monsters hid, crouching behind the valley walls. You could see it, almost. Just beyond the ever present towering ridges. At any moment a monster might peek over, enormous, to wave down at a small boy in the valley.
Then, as he got older, Dalmin climbed each of the slopes himself, first with his father and then with his friends. The world outside was there all right, different from how he’d imagined it, but no less strange.
From the hills on the valley’s northern side, he could peer over into the valley of the Nau people, with whom the Kor traded. His father would point out the Nau houses, their strange roofs standing out amongst the trees, and, beyond them, the descent to the distant lowlands.
Looking back, they could see their own valley, their own houses just as tiny as the Nau’s. Tiny figures moved about the valley floor, tending animals, minding crops. Much of the valley floor was open, but the sides were lined with trees. Fertile soil was rare in the valley and the Kor grew their crops even on the steepest slopes, wherever a patch of soil could be cleared of rocks. Looking down on the villagers were the two familiar flanks of protective hills, only from this angle, they were suddenly small, dwarfed themselves by distant mountains.
Beyond the western hills was the land of the Bird People, even more alien than the Nau. They spoke with the sounds of birds, or so it was said, the Kor had little contact with them. Their homes were hidden, if they had homes at all. Perhaps they lived in trees or in giant nests.
The southern ridge was the steepest climb and the last to be conquered. From there, Dalmin could see over the valley of the Black River People, more sociable than the Nau, but odd in their own way, and then an endless sea of hills and valleys all the way to the giant blue peaks that marked the end of the world. Each valley no doubt had its own inhabitants, and who knew what monsters or strange creatures as well?
The lands of Charipan and Kor are gone now. There is nothing left.
When Dalmin was a child, the land of Kor stretched across a mountain valley two miles long and half a mile wide. When he was very young, the valley was his whole world, an enormous realm in which to roam. Surrounded on all sides by steep hills, it seemed to stretch as far as anyone could want to travel, especially one so small, whose legs were easily tired by the slopes.
Gradually, though, the world outside began to make itself known. At first, it was a place in stories.
“Once, Long ago, Outside the Valley…” they would begin, first in his mother’s voice, and then, later, in his Aunt’s. It was a made-up place where strangers and monsters hid, crouching behind the valley walls. You could see it, almost. Just beyond the ever present towering ridges. At any moment a monster might peek over, enormous, to wave down at a small boy in the valley.
Then, as he got older, Dalmin climbed each of the slopes himself, first with his father and then with his friends. The world outside was there all right, different from how he’d imagined it, but no less strange.
From the hills on the valley’s northern side, he could peer over into the valley of the Nau people, with whom the Kor traded. His father would point out the Nau houses, their strange roofs standing out amongst the trees, and, beyond them, the descent to the distant lowlands.
Looking back, they could see their own valley, their own houses just as tiny as the Nau’s. Tiny figures moved about the valley floor, tending animals, minding crops. Much of the valley floor was open, but the sides were lined with trees. Fertile soil was rare in the valley and the Kor grew their crops even on the steepest slopes, wherever a patch of soil could be cleared of rocks. Looking down on the villagers were the two familiar flanks of protective hills, only from this angle, they were suddenly small, dwarfed themselves by distant mountains.
Beyond the western hills was the land of the Bird People, even more alien than the Nau. They spoke with the sounds of birds, or so it was said, the Kor had little contact with them. Their homes were hidden, if they had homes at all. Perhaps they lived in trees or in giant nests.
The southern ridge was the steepest climb and the last to be conquered. From there, Dalmin could see over the valley of the Black River People, more sociable than the Nau, but odd in their own way, and then an endless sea of hills and valleys all the way to the giant blue peaks that marked the end of the world. Each valley no doubt had its own inhabitants, and who knew what monsters or strange creatures as well?
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no subject
Date: 2007-04-30 02:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-01 03:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-01 03:34 am (UTC)In a way, it reminds me of the dilemma I had with my opening. I finally went back to the original one, but I took some stuff out, individual words and whole sentences, left some backstory for later, and so on to keep it moving.
I hope I'm making sense.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-30 08:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-01 03:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-01 03:27 am (UTC)Bzzzzz!
Date: 2007-04-30 10:49 am (UTC)Re: Bzzzzz!
Date: 2007-05-01 03:27 am (UTC)I've also done faster paced versions ranging from in media res ("Dalbinsina, you will lose your son...") to illustrative action (a group of boys racing down one of the hills en route to meeting the start of the plot), but none of sit as well with me as the original opening.
Re: Bzzzzz!
Date: 2007-05-01 08:16 am (UTC)Perhaps the text you have could stay, but with an extra thread laced through it, e.g.
When Dalmin was a child, the land of Kor stretched across a mountain valley two miles long and half a mile wide. When he was very young, the valley was his whole world, an enormous realm in which to roam - not merely an oasis of order, overlooked by the Chaeos Lords of Zorg.
Re: Bzzzzz!
Date: 2007-05-01 09:46 am (UTC)