An opening...
May. 17th, 2006 08:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
khiemtranA new voice and a new opening for a story that's been on the pile for a while...
It was night time when the soldiers came. My mother and father were eating their dinner, crouching on their stools over the low table. I was sitting on the floor, grinding some powder for my father's glazes.
I remember my father pausing with his rice bowl halfway to his mouth at the sound of horses outside. There was a puzzled look on his face. He looked at me and nodded towards the workroom. Without a word, I picked myself up and hurried off to hide there, as I often did when strangers came by,
"Who is it, Ba?" I heard my mother ask, as I drew the curtain closed behind me. I went and crouched in my usual hiding place, behind one of my father's benches.
"The Honourable Lu Ba!" cried a voice from outside. It was a high-pitched, nasal accent, the kind that northerners had. "We bear a message from his Excellency, Lord Kou."
I heard my mother and father whispering urgently, but I couldn't catch any of their words. Then came the sound of the latch being raised and the wooden door swinging open. I waited in silence.
The strangers entered. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. They clinked and jangled as they moved. There were many more outside. I could hear the sound of horses hoofs and footsteps on the loose stones.
Through the curtain, I could hear the men talking to my father. I couldn't make out what they were saying, but as I listened, their voices became more and more agitated. There were other sounds too. People seemed to be moving around the room. I heard my mother gasp as one of my father's pots was knocked and broken.
"It's not as though you have a choice," said one of the men, in a northern accent.
Just then, to my horror, the curtain flew back and a soldier stood before me.
I froze and he stared straight at me. He was a northerner all right. He wore a vest of bronze discs across his chest and the uniform of a calvaryman - I remembered them from my father's statues. His face was adorned by a short beard and moustache and his eyes were fierce. He glanced around my father's workroom with one hand on the hilt of his sword.
There was a commotion in the main room of the house. I could see two of the soldiers grabbing my father by each arm. I heard my mother scream.
"Mother!" I cried, leaping forward. The soldier before me recoiled in shock.
"It's alive!" he said.
A moment later, he brought his sword down upon my head. There was a sound like a gong being struck and my whole world turned black. I stumbled around helplessly as my head reverberated from the blow. I heard my mother scream. I recovered just in time to duck under another blow, but it clipped my head and sent me tumbling under a work bench.
There were shouts and screams everywhere. "Mother! Father!" I cried.
"Wen! Wen!" I heard my mother call.
By the time I had found my feet again, the soldiers had run from the house. There was no sign of my parents. I made it to the doorway in time to see a dozen soldiers on horseback disappearing into the night.
I did my best to chase them, but they were too fast. I was never good on my feet, and, in the dark, I stumbled and fell again and again. Indomitable spirit, I thought, as I picked myself up each time. They were not going to get away from me.
But as I ran, the sound of the horses grew fainter and fainter, until at last I could hear them no more.
"Mother! Father!" I cried. But, there was no answer, and I was alone in the dark.
Too obvious? I decided not to go for First Person Present in the end, but this is still pretty close. I guess the big question is, does the voice work?
It was night time when the soldiers came. My mother and father were eating their dinner, crouching on their stools over the low table. I was sitting on the floor, grinding some powder for my father's glazes.
I remember my father pausing with his rice bowl halfway to his mouth at the sound of horses outside. There was a puzzled look on his face. He looked at me and nodded towards the workroom. Without a word, I picked myself up and hurried off to hide there, as I often did when strangers came by,
"Who is it, Ba?" I heard my mother ask, as I drew the curtain closed behind me. I went and crouched in my usual hiding place, behind one of my father's benches.
"The Honourable Lu Ba!" cried a voice from outside. It was a high-pitched, nasal accent, the kind that northerners had. "We bear a message from his Excellency, Lord Kou."
I heard my mother and father whispering urgently, but I couldn't catch any of their words. Then came the sound of the latch being raised and the wooden door swinging open. I waited in silence.
The strangers entered. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. They clinked and jangled as they moved. There were many more outside. I could hear the sound of horses hoofs and footsteps on the loose stones.
Through the curtain, I could hear the men talking to my father. I couldn't make out what they were saying, but as I listened, their voices became more and more agitated. There were other sounds too. People seemed to be moving around the room. I heard my mother gasp as one of my father's pots was knocked and broken.
"It's not as though you have a choice," said one of the men, in a northern accent.
Just then, to my horror, the curtain flew back and a soldier stood before me.
I froze and he stared straight at me. He was a northerner all right. He wore a vest of bronze discs across his chest and the uniform of a calvaryman - I remembered them from my father's statues. His face was adorned by a short beard and moustache and his eyes were fierce. He glanced around my father's workroom with one hand on the hilt of his sword.
There was a commotion in the main room of the house. I could see two of the soldiers grabbing my father by each arm. I heard my mother scream.
"Mother!" I cried, leaping forward. The soldier before me recoiled in shock.
"It's alive!" he said.
A moment later, he brought his sword down upon my head. There was a sound like a gong being struck and my whole world turned black. I stumbled around helplessly as my head reverberated from the blow. I heard my mother scream. I recovered just in time to duck under another blow, but it clipped my head and sent me tumbling under a work bench.
There were shouts and screams everywhere. "Mother! Father!" I cried.
"Wen! Wen!" I heard my mother call.
By the time I had found my feet again, the soldiers had run from the house. There was no sign of my parents. I made it to the doorway in time to see a dozen soldiers on horseback disappearing into the night.
I did my best to chase them, but they were too fast. I was never good on my feet, and, in the dark, I stumbled and fell again and again. Indomitable spirit, I thought, as I picked myself up each time. They were not going to get away from me.
But as I ran, the sound of the horses grew fainter and fainter, until at last I could hear them no more.
"Mother! Father!" I cried. But, there was no answer, and I was alone in the dark.
Too obvious? I decided not to go for First Person Present in the end, but this is still pretty close. I guess the big question is, does the voice work?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-05-17 02:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-18 08:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-17 02:55 pm (UTC)I like it a lot and would definitely read on, both to find out who or what the narrator is and what he/she/it will do next.
no subject
Date: 2006-05-18 08:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-18 11:13 am (UTC)That was enough of a clue to me to wonder. I don't know yet, but it's the beginning of a book, so I don't feel I need to know.
no subject
Date: 2006-05-18 02:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-18 08:12 am (UTC)