Voice and vocabulary

[khiemtran]

Not too long ago, my father was translating a Vietnamese poem into English.

TIGER IN NOSTALGIA OF FORESTS

I roar one huge angry roar in my iron cage
I stretch out waiting for days month creeping by
I scorn those people arrogant and stupid
Narrow my eyes to show the might of the deep forest
Had a misfortune now I am humiliated

I learnt a lot from watching the different drafts unfold. The version closest to my heart was actually the second draft, with fewer of the English grammatical errors corrected, and more of the original idiom left in.

Hate those folks, insolent and idiotic
Show little eyes sacred pride deep forest
Trapped, humiliated, imprisoned
To be a strange curio, an object of play
Enduring the same treatment as senseless bears
With a pair of thoughtless cheetahs next door
I live always in nostalgia, missing
The free, proud movement of the past
Mountain forest ancient shadows old trees
With winds blowing violently
With streams screaming at mountains
With thunderous long song

The final version was in better English, but there was definitely something lost as it went along. A distinctive voice, a different palette of words. It was a good lesson, because these are the things I strive for most in my own stories.

With winds howling violently
With source streams screaming at mountains
At times it was like thunderous long ballads
I marched with my feet up in dignity and pride
Glided my body like rhythmic rolling waves
Discreetly shadowed in prickly leaves sharp grasses
In a dark cave when my imposing eyes lit up
They forced all living creatures to breath silently

What I'm trying to do now is to find a unique voice for each of my stories, and a vocabulary that fits it. I'm getting better at it, slowly. It's one of the things that I'm aiming to improve by the end of the year.

Comments

[houseboatonstyx.livejournal.com]

I agree with your preferences. Maybe some Ezra Pound (or other Imagists / Vorticists) would encourage him in the earlier style.

[khiemtran.livejournal.com]

Hmm. There's an interesting article here (http://www.english.uiuc.edu/maps/poets/m_r/pound/letter.htm) which has some extracts of a poem Pound translated from Chinese and some alternatively translations. The comparison between the translations by Pound and Arthur Waley is especially interesting, although I have to say I'm not sure which one I like better.

POUND

1. While my hair was still cut straight across my forehead
2. I played about the front gate, pulling flowers.
3. You came by on bamboo stilts, playing horse,
4. You walked about my seat, playing with blue plums.
5. And we went on living in the village of Chokan:
6. Two small people, without dislike or suspicion.
7. At fourteen I married My Lord you.
8. I never laughed, being bashful.
9. Lowering my head, I looked at the wall.
10. Called to, a thousand times, I never looked back.

WALEY

1. Soon after I wore my hair covering my forehead
2. I was plucking flowers and playing in front of the gate,
3. When you came by, walking on bamboo-stilts
4. Along the trellis, playing with green plums.
5. We both lived in the village of Ch'ang-kan,
6. Two children, without hate or suspicion.
7. At fourteen I became your wife;
8. I was shame-faced and never dared smile.
9. I sank my head against the dark wall;
10. Called to, a thousand times, I did not turn.

The Waley version is more accessible, while the Pound version seems to load more meaning into the words. The sense of Chineseness in the Waley version comes purely from the vocabulary - replace the words "Ch'ang-kan", "bamboo" and "green plums" and it could be set anywhere. In the Pound version, there's more of a sense of a foreign voice as well.

[houseboatonstyx.livejournal.com]

I think I like the first part of the Pound version and the second part of the Waley version.

The meanings of the Pound's and Waley's line one seem quite different. According to the first essay, the child would have worn bangs since babyhood, so 'was still cut straight' makes sense. In Waley's, what does the 'soon after' refer to?

[khiemtran.livejournal.com]

I think it helps to zoom in on a particular moment. It makes it clear that the speaker is talking about a specific time when she was plucking flowers, when something was about to happen, and not just that picking flowers was something she did as child. I'm guessing that the Pound version might be closer to the Chinese idiom.