khiemtran | Recovery...

I guess it's been fairly obvious that lj has been being hammered lately. Looks like it's up again now though.

I had a funny moment today, walking around the Uni. It was a pleasant sunny winter's day, only our third since our last big rainy spell, and I was feeling both completely exhausted and relieved to finally have some sun again.

I haven't managed a swim since I got back from Finland, and I've been really feeling the need for it. I won't even manage one tomorrow since I've got an early conference call in the morning.

Anyway, usually, I need my swim to help loosen up my back before the pain sets in. For those who don't know, I had a punctured disc about a year ago, and have had sciatica ever since.

I saw a different specialist (a spine surgeon) just before the last trip and he gave me a referral for a different type of physio, "Cognitive Motor Relearning". I've been putting off making the appointment, partly for the legitimate reason that I've been completely flat out at work, and partly because, after all this time, I just wanted to see what state my body really was in.

I've spent almost a year now avoiding certain things because they cause pain and it's gotten to the point where I didn't even know if they did still cause pain. And, since I've started experimenting again, the pain certainly seems to be less than it was. I still get problems when I do certain things, like sitting without a curved back and a lumbar roll, but they're more of an irritant rather than the full effect I was getting before. I can feel strange sensations in my leg and random pulses, but not the sharp stabbing pain or burning I used to get.

This is definitely progress. I came out of the last appointment resigned to the fact that I would probably stay this way for the rest of my life, but I'm feeling a lot better about it now. Just imagining being able to slouch on a couch and watch tv, or to sit on a mountain top again seemed impossible just a few weeks ago.

So, anyway. Bit-by-bit, I've been testing the boundaries and seeing what I can get away with. At least this way when I show up for CMR, I'll have a clearer baseline to work with. I haven't tried just slumping on a couch yet. I'm almost scared to find all the pain back again.

Today, walking around the uni in the sun, watching the students walking by, I suddenly had the thought that I was cured again. More than anything else, I wanted to run again, then and there. Of course, the last time I tried jogging (at the physio, on one of those tiny trampolines) I only managed about two minutes before it felt like an electric shock up through my leg. But, for that short moment, I was convinced that I could do it.

I'm not going to try running just yet. I'll wait for a chance for a swim first, and even then maybe wait another week just to be really sure. After all, the last thing I want is to injure myself again.

But I'm feeling now, for the first time in ages, that I may actually be close.

And, maybe, perhaps, I'll just sit on the couch any old way tonight.